I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
