How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
