My first STD was from a foam party
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Text me some of your sweat
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
