i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
