whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
