I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
