I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
