If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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