its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
