he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
