What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.