I should be sponsored by Trojan
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.