When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
