Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
