I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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