She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
