What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
