I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
