I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
