apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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