So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
