Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Randomize
