I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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