I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Randomize
