He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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