I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
