I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize