Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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