She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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