Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
