dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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