Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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