Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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