Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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