Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
