i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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