'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
