just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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