it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Someone came in the potted fern
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
