Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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