Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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