Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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