Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
