so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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