Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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