As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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