You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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