So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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