I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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