The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
