I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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