Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Randomize
