just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
