Is it because I queefed?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
