I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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