I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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