Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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