the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
