Non-Jews are for practice
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
