you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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