I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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