he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
