i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He felt like a one man threesome
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
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